NapjunkieMom

Dear Santa, Merry Christmas!  I have been very in between this year. Jon

Jon said to Robert, "I've got you by the tater tots."

Jon:  Would you rather step in a puddle of wasabi, or a puddle of acid?

I was baking Christmas cookies, and Jon asked, "What's that wonderful smell?"  I told him, "Cookies." "I haven't smelled that smell in years!"

Typing furiously, and wearing headphones did not deter Robert from telling me this nugget:  "Hey, mom, I'm eating  a precious rubber chicken"

Jon and I were getting into the car, and he said, "You used to take me to preschool, didn't you?"  "Yes, I did," I replied.  "Is that where we met?"

I was driving home from picking up Jon and told him how I needed to slow down on the corners because I didn't know what the road was like. "You mean, like a bunch of monkeys dancing on the road?", he replied.

Jim and I had locked the bedroom door while getting dressed, and the kids, not used to this, kept trying the door. Robert finally called out, "I'm handling a knife in an unsafe manner!"

Robert thinks he can read my mind. If I say, "The Wii goes off at 11:30", he thinks I'm thinking, "The Wii goes off at 11:30, never to be played again by you wretched souls, bwaa-haa-haa." I then challenged him to read my mind, and he said, "You are thinking about cats and pie." How does he do that?

Jon learned a lot about health in Kindergarten today. He said he was going to eat an apple, to keep his heart healthy. Then he grabbed his stomach and yelled, "I think I'm pregnant!"

Every week, Jon has to write sentences in his spelling workbook. He wanted to use "I must fart", but was overruled by the judge.

Jon is going to a swanky affair this evening, and wants to wear a tux and bow-tie. The venue: Chuck E. Cheese. The event: J.D.'s birthday.

I asked Jon today if he'd done everything he'd needed to do at school today. (He had a day earlier this week when he didn't want to do work at school). "Yes", he chirped, "everything but put the mop in the toilet." "What? Your teacher didn't make you do that." "Yes, everyone had to, it was "Clean the Toilet at School Day"

Jon doesn't believe in the Tooth Fairy, but he did leave his latest tooth under the pillow. His reasoning: "I just want the money."

We ran out of the yogurt that Jon liked, so I told him to find another snack. Perhaps he noticed my tone was less than motherly, because he said, "You mean like used tissues?"

Jon and I were trying to think of something he could take for Show and Tell that began with an "F". I said things like "Fan and frog". Jon said, "How about a Flum?" "A Flum, I've never heard of such a thing." "Oh", he replied, "you'll find out about that when you get younger."

As a protest for having to do homework, Robert's decided to crow like a drunken and demented rooster while he was working on it. I survived, barely.

I was packing our lunch for the Teddy Bear picnic, and muttered aloud, "Now, what do I need?" Jon immediately chimed in with "a mustache!"

Robert offered the following recipe last night for "Football Cream": half vanilla ice cream, half chocolate ice cream, with just a "hint" of football.

Jon told me that his class took a field trip this morning, to see a gigantic pair of underwear. Upon further questioning, it appears the underwear was large enough that his entire class was able to fit in them. For those of you worried about a giant going commando in the area, the field trip took place in another universe.

Robert said of his brother: "I've known him since he was a lemon wedge." Me: "A lemon wedge?" "Yeah, you know, a little tiny guy."

Jon was more than a little crabby this morning. As he left for school, I said, "Have a good morning!", and he replied, "Have a good DOOM." And to make it worse, he added, "I don't mean you, Romeo."

I looked around Jon's room this morning, and said, "I sure need to dust your room." "Do you need to dust behind my ears, too?" he replied.

Jon had his 6 year physical today, and he had to give a urine sample. "Battle ammo ready," he said, as he prepared to pee in the cup.

I was telling a bedtime story to Jon, and when I finished, he said, "In a deleted scene...", then proceeded to provide additional details of the story I'd told him.

We were talking with the kids around the dinner table about school starting in a few weeks, and mentioned to Jon that he will probably be known to some people as "Robert's little brother" for awhile, until he makes a name for himself. He said, "Like 'Cool Dude' or 'Ultra Man'?"

We were playing "Scrabble Slam", where one person has to pick the initial word to use. Jon suggested we do "Rock, paper, scissors" to decide. First round, we all did scissors. Second round, Jim chose rock, I chose paper and Jon chose Cherry Bomb!

We were brewing coffee while Jon and Grandpa H. were playing Pokemon cards. Jon took a big whiff and said, "The smell of victory!"

Robert just asked, "Who wants to play 'Pressure Cleaner'?"

Jon was playing T-ball this evening, and when it was his turn to bat, he ran without much enthusiasm up to home plate. Each time, the coach said, "C'mon Jon, hustle!" The third time up to bat, Jon yelled out, "WHAT DOES HUSTLE MEAN?"

I went into Jon's bedroom and saw Robert on the floor wrapped in the top sheet and comforter. Since I knew the bed had been made earlier, I said, "Why are you doing that?", with the emphasis on "why". "It was this way when I came in." I found this to be one of the easier case I've had this year. "But Robert, you are wrapped in the evidence."

Jon was asking his friend Sylvia multiplication questions like: "What's 2 x 1?" Then he decided to stump her parents by asking, "What's tree x fish?"

Jon and I were talking about how different families have different names for their grandparents. Sylvia's are "Nana and Poppy", while we call ours "Grandma and Grandpa". "That's our policy," says Jon.

I was pushing Jon on a swing, when he called out "More salt!. I pushed a bit higher. After a minute, he called out "More pepper!" I pushed a bit higher. Then he said, "Hot sauce!"

I asked Jon if there was any water in the rain barrel, and without missing a beat, he said, "No, just flies and rats."

I asked Jon to put his dirty clothes in the hamper (full disclosure...that was one pair of sweatpants and one sock). He said, "Why do I have to do all the chores?"

There is a place in the Children's Museum where parents can take pictures of their kids, with the kids face as the center of a flower. Jon put his face through, and growled, "I'm an angry flower!"

New house rule: foaming at the mouth to get out of doing homework only works if you have actually have rabies.

As I was tucking Jon into bed last night, he said, "Mommy, you get a star on your Good Mommy chart."

If the boys have to fight about things, I guess fighting over apples and "Scientific American" are okay. I still don't understand the grudge match about AT&T versus Comcast.

We were at Minnetrista and Jon walked up the admissions counter and said, "I want a hot dog with extra ketchup." When they didn't have that, he said (gross out alert), "I want a kleenex with extra boogers." Fortunately, they know us there.

Jon tried to open a heavy door at the Children's Museum. I thought maybe he hadn't seen the sign, so I said, "The sign says 'Push'". He said, "It should say 'Push with all your might'".

Jon shared some of his Easter candy from preschool with Robert. Robert very politely said, "Thank you for sharing." Jon replied, "You're like a brother to me."

Robert and Jon were riding bikes through an obstacle course, and Robert barely brushed one of the cones with this bike. Jon rode away in disgust and yelled, "He's causing mass chaos!"

Jon asked very cheekily, "Do you want to be spanked or what?" I chose not to respond. He said, "You chose "or not". You get a kiss." That sounded nice. He continued, "In the eye."

Robert: "What are we having for dinner?" Me: "Bean burritos. Is that all right?" Robert: "Could be better."

I peeked out the garage door to see Robert wasn't wearing his bike helmet. I called out, "Put your helmet on!" through the door. He said, "How'd you know?" "I can see through doors."

I was trying to have a serious conversation with Robert. I said, "Have you ever hear the phrase, "I...when he interrupted me. "Yes! I've heard that!"

Some excerpts from Jon's latest literary effort (as dictated to mom): (1) The dark leader was checking the popularity charts and found out that he was number one. (2) The dark leader's henchman was making popcorn for the movie. (3) The giant hand, the keyslocker and his friend were preparing for the good guys-bad guys volleyball game.

I'm frequently at a loss for words. I was trying to say I needed to get something out of the garage, but couldn't think of the word, and Jon helpfully added, "You need to get something out of the dungeon?"

Robert handed me his math homework, and pretending to be someone else, said, "Your son told me to give this to you. Homework killed him."

Jon has not been drinking much milk lately, and this evening, when I asked him to drink some of his milk, he said, "Needs butterscotch", and mimicked squeezing a squirt bottle into his cup.

After a long day of answering questions, Jon asked me why I closed the garage door, when I should be opening it. "It's a long story." I said. "Does it have pirates in it?" he asked.

It's 63 degrees, and Jon was hot and sweaty from running around the playground for over an hour. I told him that when we got home he could have a drink and rest. "I'd like cocoa. It's still winter."

Jim was filling out the forms for Jon's kindergarten registration, and had asked Jon which name he prefers to go by in school. He answered Jon, but later changed his mind. He wants to be known as "Jonnycakes".

Our student minister was leading the children's story this morning, and she was telling the children a secret, that she was scared that morning because she had never told a children's story in church before. She also mentioned that she was a student minister and that everyone in the church, even the children, were her teachers. Jon took her literally and said, "What a quarter of a quarter of a quarter?" I asked him afterwards what he had gotten out of the story: "Cats hate dogs". Umm, no.

Robert has been trying to entice his brother to play one of his games. He finally hit upon the concept of the "Beat Up Your Brother" game. So they have been taking turns being "the brother". Tears and recriminations to follow.

Jim asked Jon how his preschool Olympics were today. "Olympic-y" was the reply.

We were at Target when Jon dropped to the floor in disgust that I wouldn't get him any popcorn at the snack counter. A handsome, and I assume childless, man walked by and said, "Rough day." Since Jon wasn't screaming, hadn't tripped an elderly person, or started foaming at the mouth, I said, "Not really."

Jon feels overwhelmed sometimes at preschool: "I just wish they'd all be calm!"

After another embarrassing incident in public,I have given up using charts or graphs or bribes to get the boys to listen and behave. Jon and Robert have lost one of their most prized activities, and I've become a sloganeer. To get their beloved computer time back, Robert must listen and comply "First time, every time", and Jon's is "You must be tantrum free". And until that happens, "Computer free shall you be." Sigh.

Robert was drinking an extra serving of milk at breakfast, and I told him he needed to drink it fast, since he needed to get dressed. "Fast and smooth, that's how I drink it." Jon asked me what we were having for dinner this evening. I told him I had not decided. He said, "I want English puppies"! Is that a combination of English muffins and hush puppies? I hope so.

The first thing Jon says to his grandpa is, "Here's a free ticket to see my butt!"

Jon has decided he wants to marry me. (Sorry, Sylvia). When I told him I was already married to his dad, he said, "Let's get rid of him."

1. I'm not going to stop kissing you until you do what I want. 2. You are my sun and my moon. 3. Water is not my cup of tea.